I'm Sorry

Dear Body,

I’m Sorry I haven’t taken very good care of you for so long. That I neglected you with all my abusive thoughts. Every time I looked in the mirror with disgust I was so cruel. The many moments when we missed out on enjoyment because my inner voice was harassing us with self loathing thoughts and doubt. That I would restrict you food and joy because I thought that would make us change and in turn be happier. I'm sorry that I exercised because I wanted you to look like someone else, someone who I thought had the "right", "normal" or "desirable" body.

When we were a child I never felt ashamed by any of our features. It was never a thought that crossed my mind. If anything, I was confident and felt comfortable in our body. We wore clothing that was cozy and expressed our personality. We did everything unapologetically, danced, sang, swam, biked, made up countless lip syncing dance routines with girlfriends. Then events happen, key moments that you just don't forget. That stick with you into adulthood, they change you, make you look at and talk to yourself in a different manner.

The first moment at 10 years old, was when someone simply drew attention to the fact that our belly was bigger and that we weren't "thin" enough. From that moment on I grew to despise you as time passed. This made me realize you didn't look like the girl in the magazine, the woman on t.v. or some of our friends. In junior high we were bullied relentlessly for a solid year for having a flat chest. That made me realize that our value was placed on our body and not who we were. That our hair was too frizzy. Our cheeks too flush. So red at times that it penetrated any amount of make up. We could not hide when we were embarrassed or shy, or just worked our butt off working out. Lastly the 26 waist we never had. Most of the girls in high school would obsessively talk about what size their jeans were. I couldn't help but wonder why I was bigger. Ultimately I arrived at a place of normalized dissatisfaction. Each of these moments had shaped me. Not into someone I wanted to be, it was far from who I wanted to be.

Then one day I decided we had enough. I needed to take better care of us. I was tired of the psychological warfare certain things in our life were causing me to have. I started parting ways with who and what made us hurt, that caused stress, anxiety, low self confidence, they all had to go. I felt an immense weight lifted off our shoulders. I was tending to my mind and soul, but I forgot about you. The exercise we required lacked in our self care. I was so focused on mind and soul that I forgot about you, my body. The important vessel that house my mind and soul.

Health includes all of those things. Making time and making a point to care for each one of these parts is the road to self love. Exercise to keep our heart and muscles active. Meditation to calm the mind and be in the moment. Good genuine people and activities that create meaningful connections for our soul. Not everyday will be a battle won, not every day will be perfect. But to recognize these things, the thoughts and efforts is an accomplishment. This is not a phase to fit into the pre-pregnancy jeans or a diet to look good in a bikini for summer. This is the middle of a journey in a long long life I hope to have.

All this time I didn’t realize how well you have taken care of me, always. I took for granted for so long the privilege of our healthy body and I have not shown you the same love and kindness that you have shown me. Unfortunately it took until pregnancy at 26 years to start truly appreciating you and all that you are capable of. The way you were a home to my children until term. Birthed all of our babies naturally, releasing that incredible oxytocin to cope with each contraction. The ultimate high you gave me when we held our babies on our chest for the first time. The milk you produced in order for us to nourish and bond with our babies in a way I never thought possible. Well that belly grew along with our babies during pregnancy. That same belly that was criticized for not being flat or small enough. Our chest nourished our babies, it didn't matter what size you were. That frizzy hair passed down to our beautiful babies. The red cheeks we now wear as a badge of honor, reminding me of our strength, that we are a warrior.

From here on out I vow to try every day to nourish us with healthy food. I will not restrict you food, or feel guilt for having treats. I will work every day to stop the negative words I speak to you. To no longer allow others to hold the power of shifting my thoughts and actions to please them. I will no longer hold a ridiculous standard that, by working out I should expect to see visible "beauty ideal" results. We will wear that two piece bathing suit and be confident while doing so. We will sit and allow our belly to roll naturally in that position and not think twice about it. I will do all these things because I will not conform or partake in the unrealistic beauty ideal any longer.

I love people for their soul, their beauty from the inside out. How they make me feel and how they are actively part of my life, not what they look like. So why would I treat myself any differently. I will pay attention when something makes us feel happy or joyful and continue to do that repeatedly. I will work everyday to try to love you better, you that contains my essence of who I am. I will practice this day in and day out. There will be some hard days and some where I can feel proud. Then I hope that one day, that will just be the norm. I will not have the negative self talk any longer. I will not take that extra second to check our self in the mirror to make sure our stomach is hidden.

I will instill self love, even though it feels like work right now and is frustrating often, but that is only for now. Not always, not indefinitely. I will do this because we deserve it. I will do this because of our tiny humans watching us, learning from us and looking up to us. I hope for them that they will not even think twice about these things. Something that has taken me decades to unlearn and relearn. I want that self love to be stubbornly instilled in our children.

I promise to love you and care about you from here on out, as you have done for me all this time. I will stop over looking the privilege of our health, mobility and senses that not everyone has the luxury of having. You will not be taken for granted any longer. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.