Period?

Recently I found myself panicking. Why hasn't my period come yet? I am not one to track my body down to the day although I have been "gifted" with regularity. With age and breastfeeding still, I was hoping this is what was effecting the delay, I was still freaking out. My mind started racing a million different directions. If I am pregnant again, could my body handle it? Would the baby be healthy as I am not a spring chicken anymore... We would have to move, again. There wouldn't be any vacations for another few years. Damn it, I just signed up for the Mud Hero run, I'll have to drop that. The program I want to enroll in would also have to be put on hold as I would not be able to put enough attention and focus into it as I would want to.

I have not once been 100% sure or had that definitive moment that others speak of, no more kids, we're done. I've felt a lot of sadness of the baby days coming to a close, making and caring for my little babies. Maybe because I've felt a lot of pride of what my body has done for me, pregnancy, birth and nursing all the babes. Maybe because I feel motherhood has actually helped me to discover my true self, what and who serves me. Maybe because I will soon be entering a new chapter that terrifies me, learning how to take care of and interact with tiny humans that have their own agendas, opinions and maybe won’t look up to their mama anymore. That they will slowly want to break free of my safety net. So I've been reminiscing.

February 2013, Mike was away, visiting a friend in Calgary. I stood in my kitchen at Woodbridge, in our tiny 600 square foot home, looking down at the home pregnancy test with one pink solid line followed by a second very faint pink line. At the time I didn't know that this was very common and its super rare if not impossible to have a false positive pregnancy test. I called one of my really close friends to come with me to go buy another pregnancy test or two because this simply could not be. I mean I had wanted this for so long, but it seemed to happen so quickly. Well two more positive home tests later I decided to call Mike, I simply could not wait until he was home to tell him. It seemed so surreal to be saying the words, "I'm pregnant". He was in shock, from what I could gather in his tone and response over the phone. Although it wasn't a surprise either as we agreed about stopping birth control, now that we were married we were ready to start our family. We were hoping that we would be much more ahead with our careers, myself not having one at all, Mike working shift work. I did also mention our 600 square foot rental already containing 2 adults, 3 fur babies and at the time only one bedroom.

When Mike got home from his visit, we immediately went to a walk in to have a doctor confirm the pregnancy. It came back negative. We were so disheartened to hear those words, with 3 positive home pregnancy tests, it could not be. The doctor advised that their tests are not always correct, so to be double sure he sent me to do a blood test. We had to wait a couple days to have the results. Needless to say those few days, felt like forever! The blood test was positive! At this point I immediately applied to have a midwife in the hopes that this would be enough notice to be accepted. Sadly I was declined, as the intake volume was too large at Billie's due date. I also found out that first time births are less likely to be accepted based on the fact first time labors generally last quite a bit longer and that first time moms tend to change their mind about their original plan often. I was bummed, but further more, what could I do? Over the next 9 months, our plans to accommodate our growing family was to insulate and renovate the mud room in the back of the house to become the nursery. Mike took steps going into foreman training and I started a plan for us to plug away at saving to buy a house of our own one day. On top of lighting a fire under my ass to complete my Arts degree once and for all before baby arrived as life was about to get a lot more busy and sleepless.

I felt great for the first months of conception, then for the remaining 28 weeks, I was nauseous from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, every day. My doctor declined to prescribe me Diclectin (a lovely anti-nausea pill safe to use during pregnancy) because I was not vomiting. A few weeks later when I was asked by my doctor if I was purposely trying not to gain weight. I was furious. I reminded my doctor I could not even look at food most days. Still no Diclectin. My food had to stay very simple and small. I could not eat anything spicy as it would give me heartburn and I wouldn't be able to sleep all night, I could not eat too much as it would make me feel so uncomfortable with fullness. As a lover of late night snacks, this was something that had to be on hold too. I actually don't remember any specific cravings with Billie, but I do remember a ton of aversions. I couldn't stand the smell of chicken cooking, especially with taco seasoning beef or pork were an absolute no, Mike would pay if he cooked it while I was home. My love for all things salty shifted to sweet, bags of chips and pickles to cookies and chocolate. If you know me well this was outrageous. Furthermore to the lack of weight gain, I was told by multiple people on many different occasions how small I was and how great I looked with Billie's pregnancy. You would think I would be flattered by such comments, when in turn it only made me more worried about my health and the health of our baby. I am not sure why, when you are pregnant, most people think that you are free game to constantly comment on your shape and size. I had a co-worker tell me I looked better in form fitting clothes rather than dresses because it made me look thinner. For one, when you are pregnant the goal is not to be thin, when you are growing a human. For two, no one in their right mind would ever comment on my clothes and how they flattered me or not without being asked their opinion in the first place, while not pregnant. So why was it okay now? I was blown away how often these comments occurred.

I didn't deal with any kind of exhaustion until the end at about 36 weeks. I didn't deal with any excessive pee breaks, again until the end. I also made sure to drink lots of water because I was terrified of getting leg cramps, I never dealt with that. Two lovely pregnancy symptoms I did experience with Billie was random sharp shooting pains directly into my groin. I was told it was round ligament pain. I guess whenever Billie pressed on a nerve it would almost always cripple me and send me to the ground. I was thinking, wow if this is just nerve pain I'm really in for it with labor. The other fun one was the mask of pregnancy. It is when your skin pigment changes color on your face. It varies from one person to the next on where and how much. Well I was lucky enough only to get it on my upper lip. You can get it from sun exposure, which makes complete sense in my case, as I had just been to Tennessee at the Bonaroo festival in 50 degree weather without a lot of shade. I noticed when I went to the bathroom at a gas station on the way home. I looked in the mirror and tried rubbing what I thought was dirt off my face and it wouldn't come off. I took a closer look to confirm that I hadn't grown a full on mustache over night. Nope even worse it was my skin, no amount of scrubbing or hair removal would help me. Bonus, when trying to cover it up, it seemed that my foundation accentuated the pigment. I was not happy, to top it off, I researched that for some woman the pigment doesn't always go away after pregnancy. Luckily mine eventually did fade. But I remember thinking, why did no one warn me of this? Why do people not talk about this, rude.

I went on maternity leave about a month before my due date. I remember longing for a new kind of exhaustion over the physical exhaustion of making a baby. To once again be able to sleep on my tummy and eat a late night snack. Then exactly a week past her due date I popped out baby Billie weighing 8 lbs 14 ounces.

March 2015, the most surprising pregnancy. It was for the most part the same experience plus some. I knew a week after I was pregnant that I was because I had that permanent hangover feeling. We were not trying to get pregnant. Of course we knew we wanted another child but we were hoping for a larger age gap. When I showed Mike, again the second faint pink line, I cried. I cried because I was scared. Could I love another child as much as my first? How will I divide my time? Where would our second baby sleep in our 600 square foot home with one and half rooms, 2 adults, 1 toddler and 3 fur babies. Well spoiler, babies don't need much space, or much of anything at all other than love, who'd have known? Who cares if our baby would sleep in our dresser drawer.

I demanded Diclectin from my family doctor immediately this time, I was not suffering almost another whole year of nausea (“I have suffered enough”-The hilarious, Ali Wong) and now caring for a busy toddler was in the mix. I contacted Midwifery intake ASAP in the hopes that it being my second pregnancy and having had a natural birth with Billie that I would have a better shot being taken on. Well we lucked out. I'm quite confident our last name helped our case, because our midwife was from Sarajevo. My midwife visits were so much different from going to an obstetrics office, much more relaxed and pleasant. I don’t think I was weighed once. I could bring Billie if I had to and have her involved with listening to babies heartbeat. This was huge, having a baby is a family experience not just a mother’s. I really trusted their knowledge base and felt so much more at ease, this was their expertise. I was not rushed out of my appointments ever and felt like every question or concern was important and heard.

I didn't feel like I carried differently or had different cravings. But I was definitely larger and I attribute that to the fact that I was actually able to eat. Jude did give us more worries throughout the pregnancy. At the 20 week ultrasound we were told he had a shadow on his heart. Of course the first thing we did was google it, tip of advice, don't do that. It can mean a large variety of things from something like the muscle growing rapidly to disabilities. We were very worried and upset but tried to remain calm as there was no way to know for sure. Then my tummy was measuring beyond how many weeks I was, the midwife promptly sent me for another ultrasound to make sure my amniotic fluids were a normal level. They were. I was just large. At this time the tech couldn’t see a shadow on the heart any longer. That was a relief to hear. Then our little(big) Jude was too cozy to come on time. I had to go for an ultrasound once a week to make sure fluids were adequate and that my placenta was still functioning optimally, also to measure his size. The tech has advised us that he was measuring to be 10 pounds. I decided against the Birth Center after the midwife discussed all the what ifs because of his size. This scared me, I did not want have to be transferred to the hospital if he were to get stuck or have his collarbone broken to become unstuck. I ended up deciding on a birth at St.Boniface again to have the interventions at hand if need be. This was a massive regret of mine but I will save that explanation for another blog! Jude was born 9 lbs 15 ounces, 2 weeks past his due date. The measurements were correct he was a large, extremely bald dude.

Round 3, June 2017. Yet again, Michael and I found ourselves somehow surprised (we don't learn our lesson) for a third time, a second faint pink line. Well to our avail our hemming and hawing on a third baby was decided for us. We struggled because 3 kids is simply not the norm, especially if you have already have a girl and a boy. Were we that crazy to have 3? But yet I was not scared this time, I was excited to meet our final addition. I knew that my heart only grew with each baby, that it is possible to love each child the same. With the purchase of our first home, space wasn't a concern anymore. We knew we would figure it out. I felt a sense of ease with this pregnancy and expanding family. The same persistent day in day out nausea occurred, my pelvis and hips became very early on. Now add tons of breathlessness and dizzy spells. I found out that it was anemia, my iron was extremely low. It effected my energy level, mood and breathing, but what concerned me too was the possibility of being declined a Birth Center birth. My risk for excessive bleeding after labor was higher with low iron. I started taking iron reluctantly, in the past it had made me more nauseous (yes it was possible) because of how hard it is on your stomach to digest. I resorted to an iron drink and increasing iron rich food. It wasn’t enough, my iron was still dropping. I had countless blood tests to track my iron to see if I could get my levels back up for a Birth Center birth. The only thing that worked was a liquid iron supplement, thick as molasses, tasted and looked like blood. It was disgusting but all worth it, my iron levels were up and my last labor was everything I hoped for. Dylan was our smallest, weighing 8 lbs 8 ounces and arrived 10 days past her due date.

Turns out I'm just really shitty at tracking my period, and no we are not pregnant with our fourth child. Michael has his snip appointment in less than a month and I am counting down the days. I knew I had the most assurance I would ever get about not having anymore children after this last scare. When I started to get really sad about the things that again would have to be postponed and missed due to pregnancy and another baby. Mud runs, courses, family vacations. Once those feelings surfaced I was assured of Mike's upcoming appointment. I can honestly say I am no longer grieving the exiting of the baby days and excited for the next chapter of motherhood, of the Smallj's growing up and our many adventures to come.

If I'd have known how difficult pregnancy was going to be for me, I would relive it again and again, for the outcome is pure magic.